"Tolerating mediocre or even bad sex is a terrible idea." An expert explains why some women fake orgasm.

by Pheto Ramakobya

Sex can be likened to a journey. For some people, it's about the ride, while for others it's about the final destination. And those who don't usually end the trip on a high often feel like they need to pretend they did.

We’ve all heard stories of women faking orgasms to spare their partners’ feelings but it turns out, women may actually be faking sexual pleasure for other reasons too.

Sexual pleasure for women and men has a lot to do with emotion and relaxation. It’s difficult to enjoy sex and reach orgasm if you’re uncomfortable, self-conscious or don’t feel quite right about what’s going on or about your partner, explains sexologist and sex therapist, Dr Trevor Adams.

He says experience and communication are key factors in helping women reach an orgasm.

REASONS FOR FAKING AN ORGASM

There are a lot of reasons why women may fake an orgasm, but many of the reasons boil down to one thing: pressure.

Dr Trevor says women feel pressured to have orgasms and he lists a few reasons why:

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Firstly, there is the deeply held misbelief that women’s sexuality exists mainly for the benefit of men. There’s a lack of good sex education. Magazines, TVs and everyday conversations teach people that an orgasm is the ultimate goal of sex and if you don’t reach it, you have had bad sex. So women feel bad about their partners trying to get them to a point they’re just not going to reach.

They may then fake an orgasm as a way of saying it’s okay to stop. The brain is the largest sexual organ in the human body. So low self-esteem plays a massive role in women’s ability to achieve an orgasm. People are not able to define their own bodies. Previous studies showed that 25 to 50 percent of men and 35 percent of women are unable to identify the clitoris, which is the main source of female pleasure.

PUTTING A STOP TO IT

Dr Trevor explains that during penetration, most men climax within four minutes, lesser if they are masturbating. The female orgasm needs more work, taking up to 30 minutes of clitoral stimulation unless the woman has a lot of experience or a very skilled lover.

According to the sex therapist, a woman who knows she isn’t going to climax anytime soon, fakes her orgasm early to make the sex end quicker.

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“Women have been faking orgasms for years to speed up the end of sex. Most of the time what their partner is doing is not giving them what they need to orgasm, although they still may find it pleasurable. Tolerating mediocre or even bad sex is a terrible idea,” says Dr Trevor.

“To end the sequence of faking orgasms, all parties must find their voice in the bedroom and speak up. If you fake it once, he will think what he is doing is working for you and he will continue to do what he thinks will work the next time.

“The bottom line is that your sex life can only be pleasurable if your partner understands how to please you and vice versa,” advises Dr Trevor.

This article was originally published in the 26 April 2019 issue of Move magazine.